English coursework

Subject: Re: English coursework Thu Nov 22, 2007 10:18 pm

i like it!

umm the only things i can really pick up on are -

"three tents, 3 sleeping bags, 8 disposable BBQs, and 6 boxes of drinks"

you started writing the number out in full then switched to just numbers!

anddd

"...I could feel myself blush. We drive to the party listening to a national radio station, and we all sang along..."

i think you switched tense there? it just doesn't read right.

but apart from that

i wanna meet harry! Wink

Subject: Re: English coursework Thu Nov 22, 2007 10:30 pm

yeh, should it not be drove to the party?

and yeh i liiiike it :]
its really good
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Subject: Re: English coursework Fri Nov 23, 2007 4:02 am

I like it too Smile

Subject: Re: English coursework Sun Nov 25, 2007 6:49 pm

Ohh thanks Ava I'll fix those mistakes asap!

and cheers guys. I'm quite into it, I know for the coursework it's only and opening but i might carry it on ha ha.
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Subject: Re: English coursework Mon Nov 26, 2007 4:12 am

You have a great writing style! Some of the stuff she says though, is not something a typical american girl would say (ie timetable=schedule in America). But that's alright, I'm sure it doesn't really matter. Very good so far!

Subject: Re: English coursework Mon Nov 26, 2007 9:47 pm

My teacher won't even let us put numbers in, we have to write them out.
I only read about half of it cus I have English coursework to do myself haha but I liked what I read Smile

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Subject: Re: English coursework Mon Nov 26, 2007 11:10 pm

I’d never been particularly nervous in situations like these before. I was so used to meeting new people from working in my parent’s (should be "parents' ") office at (should be "on") weekends, that I assumed it'd (should be "it would")all be fine. And (never start a sentence with "And") it was, I suppose, until 8:55am and I (start this as a new sentence and remove "and")was following the head teacher of my new high school to my homeroom. All I could hear was the tapping of the head teachers (remove "head teacher" as it's redundant, and replace with "her") high heeled shoes on the black and white tiled floor. She was talking about some trip to France or something similar, and I wasn’t really listening, but her English accent just droned (replace with "was droning" inside my head.

You see, my old school was (replace with "I used to go to") your typical American high school, and I (remove the "I") had such a tight group of best friends, but then, of course, I had to move with my parent’s business plans. So there I was, in an English “Secondary” school, studying a whole bunch of new subjects. Think I was scared? You’d be right. I totally missed all my old friends. I kept hearing my best friend forever’s voice saying how great it would be and how much fun I’ll have in Cornwall… She didn’t have to come here. It was all fields wherever you went! Only ("The only") plus I suppose was the fact that there was a tonne of beaches! You see, my parents business is an up-and-coming surf company, and back in California we were pretty well known for surfing. Personally I could never do it, which I’m sure was always a massive disappointment to my mom, but despite this I loved the beach. The sea’s just pretty amazing huh? Especially back in California, in the summer hea--

“Sophie! Sophie we’re here.” Mrs Goodman said as she shook me up from my daydream of home and opened the door into my new form group. I gulped and crossed my fingers behind my back.

“Don’t look so scared dear child,” the matronly woman said, I remember thinking (change to "I thought"--you keep changing tenses) it was like something out of a film! Any moment I could imagine Harry Potter popping his head around the chunky brick wall and asking where Ron is or Kate Moss coming in to do a talk in assembly… Okay, maybe not the latter but you get my point, it was England!

“Anyway,(remove the "Anyway", since I doubt a teacher would say that) This is your new class, you will be with most of them for all of your lessons but I’m sure they’ll switch around a bit depending on the subject.” She said goodbye and I was left standing (in front of) a bunch of scary, uniformed teenagers. I don’t really mean scary, but you’d think it from the way my heart was beating. (I would phrase it, "a bunch of uniformed teenagers. From the way my heart was beating, you would think I was in front of a firing squad " (or something else that is scary). It ("the classroom" rather than "it") was a wall of noise and chat.

“Oh my days! He din’t? That’s well out of order!”

“Yeah I heard she was singing really badly - apparently her dress was minging too!”

“Shut up did I! You moron!”

“Oh I hate this song, it’s crap but I always sing along, damn it!”

“My hangover was awful, but the party was sooo worth it for the gossip, I mean, did you hear about Lauren…”

But sadly that (I would leave out "but sadly that" and say "The") wall of sound stopped as soon as they’d (should be "they"--watch your tenses) noticed me. The teacher looked at me expectantly (,) and I looked from her to the class a few times. I suddenly felt hot and embarrassed. What should I say?!

“Hi.. I’m Sophie…” I said slowly, suddenly becoming aware of my Californian accent. The teacher smiled. Thank God, she seems nice.

“Hey Sophie, I’m Miss Wick, I’m your form tutor. This will be your tutor group for the next year. I trust they’ll look after you.” She smiled and instantly I knew she would be an okay teacher. Okay meaning you can NEVER trust people on first impressions. However, she a (had) friendly blue eyes and a mess of dyed red hair in some sort of clipped-up mess. She had a massive mouth but was incredibly quiet ("but had an incredibly quiet voice") despite this ("that"). She showed me to my seat and asked me to say a few words about myself.

I sat between a boy with black hair and a nice smile, whose name I later learnt ("learned") was Jack, and a girl who looked as if she was wearing a cement-thick layer of make-up and hadn‘t washed her hair in a week, I later noticed this was actually just hair gel and some sort of weird trend around here. (This is awkward to add, and the best way is to put it in brackets, or introduce it later in the story) Okay, here goes. (I would take that part out)

“Well. My name’s Sophie Gerald, I come from a small town in California. Uhm…” my mind went blank. What did these kids want to know? I sat and felt all the blood rush to my face, my cheeks were burning and unusually for me (I’d always been confidant, at least in a small town where I knew everyone I was.) (rework this part....it's awkward) I felt like the ground could ("I wanted the ground to") just swallow me whole and spit me out back at home. Luckily, I was interrupted by a small girl with long dark hair. She had huge grey eyes that took my breath away at first. (I would take that part out, or say something like "Her huge gray eyes took my breath away" rather than "She had...."

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That's as far as I got....I'll edit more later if you like. Smile

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Subject: Re: English coursework Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:41 am

woah...you crazy spelling and grammar machine, you!

Subject: Re: English coursework Tue Nov 27, 2007 11:12 am

dude shauna

you would make one hell of a proofreader.

seriously.

my mum and her partner own ray dawe proofreading, and thats basically what they do, for like oh.. $100 an hour?

look into it! its a sitting down job and they work from home too
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It was really cute! And I loved the Harry Potter/Kate Moss bit.

Subject: Re: English coursework Tue Nov 27, 2007 6:19 pm

Yeah, I did copy editing when I was in journalism. I would LOVE to proof read from home....but I wouldn't even know how to get into it.
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Subject: Re: English coursework Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:22 am

lolllz at my crappy editing skills compared to shauna!

i was always weak at the analytical side of english..! haha